


The Meaning of a Crimson Rose

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: A cluster of my own emotional issues but make it a fanfic, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Drinking, Eating Disorders, Homophobia, How Do I Tag, I Tried, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Mattsun be sorta a dick, Protective Iwaizumi Hajime, Protective Oikawa Tooru, Sad Hanamaki Takahiro, Self-Harm, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Love, What's Sleep? Wish I Knew Her, experimenting, implied internalized homophobia, mentioned nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:53:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25781662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Hanamaki Takahiro. He was compared to a dark crimson rose. Beautiful yet sad and defensive. It wasn’t always true with him either. A few years ago, he was in love and genuinely happy. One bad break up and a major amount of hookups later, he was broken.
Relationships: Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 35





	The Meaning of a Crimson Rose

**Author's Note:**

> Ah! Hey there! I hope ya'll enjoy this! Also, a daily reminder that I love you guys!!

**July 2020**

* * *

Hanamaki was startled awake by his phone ringing. He groaned before reaching to grab his phone. Not to his surprise, it was Oikawa. He swipes the accept button before hearing Oikawa screaming incoherently. Hanamaki sighs before saying,” You woke me up for what? To scream about nothing?”

“MEAN MAKKI! IWA-CHAN HE IS BEING NOTHING BUT MEAN”, Hanamaki heard Iwaizumi grumble something about Oikawa being shitty, “on a different note, we need to meet up soon! Are you free tomorrow?”

“I’m busy tomorrow. honest.”

“Ah, I see. Let’s meet at 9:30 am tomorrow at the coffee shop”, Oikawa says coldly, seeing past his lie.

Hanamaki winces before nodding, “yeah”

“So I’ll see you tomorrow at the coffee shop down the road! No backing out of it!”

“What the hell? Okay. See ya.”

Hanamaki hung up and felt like screaming. He didn’t want to go see Oikawa and get called out about living the way he does. He just wants to lay in bed and scroll through memes. He sighs and opens Instagram, regrettably. It opens to Oikawa’s newest post which was of Iwaizumi down on one knee. “So Iwaizumi finally popped the big question”, Hanamaki muttered to himself before continuing to scroll. About 4 posts down, picture of his ex with his girlfriend pops up. He was holding her and kissing the top of her head. There was no denying how pretty she was. She had dark brown eyes, dark pink hair, and is tall. He blankly stares at the screen before closing off his phone.

Takahiro had gotten used to the routine of his life. He pretty much lived on autopilot. Wake up, get dressed, go to work, do chores, eat dinner, scroll through his phone, and get about 2 hours of sleep. It wasn’t happy or healthy but it worked well enough for him. He would never admit that to Oikawa who pesters him about moving on and going to counseling. Hanamaki would never agree. He was okay for the most part. With a shake of his head, Hanamaki got up to make some coffee and pick out an outfit for tomorrow. Hanamaki scrolled through Pinterest to get some clothing ideas. Nothing too extreme but nothing too lazy. By 30 minutes and two coffees, he decided on a pair of black skinny jeans, a white t-shirt, and a light pink oversized nylon jacket which hangs off the shoulders. That outfit paired with a pair of black Vans would do. Hanamaki flopped back first onto his bed before taking a pillow and screams into it. His phone vibrates. It was a text from Oikawa and in all honesty, he didn’t want to answer it. 

* * *

**7:56 pm**

**Head Empty Only Iwa-chan: So you probably heard by now! About the marriage! I can’t keep secrets whoopsies!! But yeah, I want to discuss more than that tomorrow!!**

**Thornay Rose: Yep, that works…I guess. You better be paying.**

**Head Empty Only Iwa-chan: I give you my love and support and this is the thanks I receive. I will have to remember this cruel blasphemy Makki!!**

_ Seen _

* * *

Hanamaki dryly laughed. He really did care about Oikawa and Iwaizumi but he doesn’t know how to express it. He just feels numb and like he has no control over anything. Again, he’ll never admit it to them. It’s been like that since he left. On that thought, Hanamaki gets up to take a shower. Whatever it takes to keep him out of his head. He strips slowly, in an unmotivated way. Hanamaki entered the skin melting shower and released a deep sigh. About 25 minutes, he left the shower drenched in shower water and tears. He turns to look into the mirror before punching the countertop. Hanamaki wasn’t known for always being mentally sound but he would never let anyone close enough to help. Well, he did once, it didn’t go over well. He throws on an oversized t-shirt and a pair of underwear before crawling into bed. 

If you ever wondered what a ceiling looked like, Hanamaki could tell you every small detail about his ceiling. He spent many nights that way. He wipes away his tears and curls up in a ball to attempt to sleep tonight. Little did he know, the guy who broke him was missing him. 

Hanamaki woke up in a cold sweat around 3:57 am. He immediately sat up and rubbed his face. His nightmares were getting worse and he knew that it was getting a bit extreme. He just can’t seem to forget. Falling back onto the bed with the back of his wrist and hand covering his face, he prepared mentally for later that day. By 9 am, he was regretting even answering Oikawa’s calls. He was dressed and doing his eyeliner which didn’t look exactly perfect. It was irritating him horribly, to say the least. It took him a solid 27 minutes to get it right and fix his hair once again. Hanamaki quickly looked down at his phone to realize he was gonna be late. Panicking he grabbed his apartment keys and rushed out of his apartment building. 

When he got to the coffee shop, Oikawa looked disappointed. He was sitting next to Iwaizumi who kept nervously checking his phone. Oikawa finally notices him and jumped up to hug him. 

“Makki!! How have you been?”, Oikawa says lightly before turning into a serious tone, “Seriously. How have your illnesses been?”

Hanamaki looks down guiltily before replying,” Yeah. I’ve been good. Everything has been good”

The bells on the door jingle as the guy Hanamaki wants to see last enters. Iwaizumi gets up and does that slap the other person’s back hug. Hanamaki was quiet. 

“Hanamaki.”, Matsukawa says while sticking out his hand. The shorter of the two nervously stuck out his hand while looking at the ground. The tension was unearthly high. 

“Mattsun. What are you doing here?”, Oikawa asks slowly.

“Iwaizumi invited me and told me the two of us were having a conversation.”

“Iwaizumi. I need to talk to you privately. Makki, you can leave or stay. It’s up to you. Please just don’t push yourself.”

Hanamaki Takahiro. A crimson rose with too many thorns for a normal person, lost all his thorns for the moment. He was weak around Matsukawa. His ex. The only person who was with him when he fully bloomed. Though, currently, he is a dying rose.

“So. Hey. You look stunning.”

“I...please don’t. I can’t. Not today. Not in this lifetime.”

“I understand. I was such an asshole back then. I didn’t mean to experiment with you.”

“You are now realizing that? Whatever. It’s obvious that you are the other best man so let’s just deal with each other until then”

“Hanamaki, what’s wrong? You sound disappointed and just not like your usual self”

“Tsk, nothing besides not wanting to be here. I don’t want to be your friend anymore. You want to know why? Because I, at least deserve that.”

“Hanamaki, are you okay? You know I still want to be friends so give me a chance. We can grab creampuffs and coffee from here and talk. Plus I really want you to meet my girlfriend one day! You’d like her!”

Hanamaki went still. Oh to be the person Matsukawa will use his charm on for the rest of his life. He’ll never know. So he nods and says, “sure sounds good to me but I have to go!”. He proceeds to run out of the coffee shop. Back to safety. He’ll never be at home at that apartment but the memories help remind him of home. 

When Hanamaki made it into his apartment, he fell. His legs felt like jello. He felt like he was sinking. Hanamaki looked at the living room. He remembered cuddling with Matsukawa and having some great sex with him. He also experienced his worst heartbreak there. He remembers arguing and tension which existed in that room. Now, it’s full of sorrow and regret. Those words could represent his life perfectly.

At the coffee shop, Matsukawa would never forget the scolding he got. Oikawa was sitting down, calling Hanamaki repeatedly. Iwaizumi was pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration while telling Matsukawa that Hanamaki isn’t prepared for big news like that. 

Oikawa stood up and pulled Matsukawa by the ear into the bathroom. Before saying, “He loves you. He fucking loves you. Do you understand how many times I’ve had to talk him out of offing himself? Do you know how many times he had hookups which went over badly and he became oh so homophobic towards himself? He refuses anything with commitment. He only talks to Iwaizumi and me. I’ve told him to date but he doesn’t want anything to do with that. Do you know how many calls I’ve gotten in the middle of the night, telling me he cares about me and I deserve to be happy? Those calls I’ve never feared more than after you left. He won’t allow anyone to help. He is drinking himself to death! He is emotionless. I want Makki back. Hanamaki Takahiro is anything but bland. Did you see him? Did you see how dull he is? HE IS ALREADY DEAD. I can’t save him and it shouldn’t be on all me and Iwaizumi. He tells Iwaizumi that he takes good care of me and he’s good for me. Do you know how he couldn’t leave people on read in high school? Half my messages and nine-tenths of my calls aren’t answered. Mattsun. Please, I don’t care about anything else but help him. Plus what I said before, it’s gotten worse. Especially after seeing you. He deserves better than to be hung up on you, you douchebag.”

“I-uh didn’t know. I just don’t love him.”

“ARE YOU FUCKING DUMB?! YOU ARE GOING TO SIT THERE AND PRETEND LIKE YOU DON’T CALL IWAIZUMI AND ASK HIM HOW HANAMAKI IS DOING. HE ALWAYS SAYS GOOD FOR PRIVACY REASONS BUT THIS IS TOO FUCKED UP FOR ME TO DO NOTHING ANYMORE. Hanamaki, he is such a pretty crimson rose. He deserves to grow and bloom again but he was cut off the rose bush too early.”

Oikawa panted slightly before looking at the floor. Matsukawa was standing in silence. It had been three years. Three years since he saw Hanamaki before today. Matsukawa finally concluded, “I should go to our old apartment and comfort him. It doesn’t mean I like him or anything but I want him to allow me to get close again. I miss him,”

“I don’t think he could ever actually hate you but go. Go keep him safe.”, Oikawa muttered before pushing Matsukawa out of the bathroom.

If anyone asked Issei that walking in on his ex relapsing into self-harm again was one of his fears, he would say yes a million times. He knows Hanamaki well enough to know he is impulsive, his mind only has to give him small cues and he will do it. As Matsukawa sprinted to their old shared apartment, he pulls out an old key he had for their room. When he gets to the building, he gets through the double door security entrance and rushes to the 5th floor, apartment 23. 

He slowly opens the door, expecting to see the worse. He finds Hanamaki curled up, shaking with his head buried in his arms. Issei shuts the doors before asking, “Hanamaki?”.

“Leave...please. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.”, a sob racks through the shorter boy who proceeded to hold his stomach as if he was sick.

The sight broke Issei. He never wanted to see this again in his life. He wanted to make sure he never experienced it again in his life. He sees Hanamaki’s red swollen eyes look up before his head falls back onto his arm. 

Matsukawa sighs and goes to the kitchen which didn’t change a bit. He grabs Hanamaki’s favorite mug and turns on the Keurig. “Let’s get you on the couch”, Issei says. There was only silence until an ugly sob and the pleads to leave him where he erupts from Hanamaki. Issei could feel his heartbreak. He has only seen the pink-haired boy like this when they broke up. It was messy and let’s just say walking into your partner cheating isn’t an easy blow on an already weak mental health. How he reacted during their last argument wasn’t right. But now he is here, making coffee for his ex who was broken down on the floor. He wasn’t okay even though he kept muttering that he’s okay and Matsukawa can leave now. 

The tears started to slow but Matsukawa could tell Hanamaki still couldn’t breathe. Hanamaki tried to stand up slowly, only to stumble and fall on the counter.

“Makki-”

“Don’t call me that”

“Please breathe. Oikawa has told me what has been going on. I know you haven’t been eating and I can tell you are dizzy. When you aren’t feeling like puking, eat please.”

“I can’t”

“Takahiro, just try to whenever you feel well enough”

Hanamaki shrunk and nodded before saying, “I ate earlier. I’m good. I just don’t have a big appetite, sorry to disappoint”

They stood in silence for about 20 minutes as Hanamaki was furiously trying to compose himself. It took a while but soon Hanamaki grabbed his coffee and occasionally took sips of it. 

“Hey, Matsukawa. Why did you do it? We-we were together. Was I really that bad? You can tell me. I already know I was. I mean, I should have expressed how much you meant to me before. It’s just...I don’t know. Why did you come back when you knew it would hurt me?”

“Hanamaki. You weren’t bad. Not at all. I should have told you I was experimenting, it was a mega asshole thing of me to not say. I miss my best friend.”

The shorter scoffs at the words, “Friends? I didn’t want to be just friends but now I don’t even want to be friends. You hurt me and I’d rather not be reminded of that daily. I am trying to better myself-”

“By destroying yourself? Goddammit, Takahiro! You’ve lost an unhealthy amount of weight!! Fuck! Plus not to mention how little you take proper care of yourself. You aren’t okay. Admit that at least…”

“I am okay. I have a routine. Please leave and Don’t mess it up.”

They look at each other before Issei just sighs and walks out of Hanamaki’s life for the time being. No goodbye. Just the temporary conclusion to a broken love story of two stubborn people most would think. If you could see the look on Matsukawa’s face as he left, anyone would have thought his heart had been put through a woodchipper. Hanamaki stood there silently regretting his decision.

**October 2021**

* * *

It was Oikawa and Iwaizumi’s big day. Hanamaki was shaking. His best friends were happy. He was glad that they finally got their head out of their ass and asked each other out after years. Yeah, he was a little jealous they found someone and settled down. As he stands next to the altar, he watches the bright smile that lights up Iwaizumi’s face as he looks at Oikawa who is undoubtedly crying in happiness. He sees the sparkles and contentedness in their eyes which he longs for. Hanamaki also meets eyes with Matsukawa who was tearing up before smiling as tears freely stream down his face. No one knows why he smiled but it felt right.

Oikawa had made sure the wedding was as nice as it could be. No one couldn’t say it wasn’t either. Oikawa and Iwaizumi had refused to have help paying for the wedding since in their words “it wouldn’t mean as much”. 

When it came time for Hanamaki to read his speech, he was shaking. It might have been the pressure or the oh shit my best friends are getting married realization. Hanamaki read his speech letting out a choked laugh which turned into a sob as he saw Oikawa blushing with tears threatening to fall. Iwaizumi, who was also struggling to hold back his tears patted Oikawa on the back. As soon as he finished, he handed the microphone to Matsukawa who’s speech was the final straw to the sob fest. 

The smiles on the three of their faces by the end of the reception reminded Hanamaki of the old times. Times which he wanted to forget but they were also some of his happiest memories. By 8:39pm, he had slipped outside to sit near the lake. He had to thank Oikawa for picking such a peaceful and serene area. The crunch of leaves alerted him of someone’s present so like any normal person, he looks behind him to find the former middle blocker. 

“Hey, Matsukawa.”

“Progress”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, dummy. Though today did remind me of how much I miss the old days. You know? Iwaizumi looking so smitten at Oikawa but then beating his ass the next while we made fun of them. I miss that. I know we are grown up but I want that once more. Also, I don’t remember seeing your girlfriend? Didn’t you invite her?”

“I miss that shit too. I miss being young. But yeah, she isn’t here. We sorta broke up before the wedding since she found out it was a gay wedding and yeah, didn’t know she was homophobic so that was an easy dump.”

“But you’re not gay so why would it matter? Still must suck.”

“Well, look at the wedding we are at and look at yourself. That should explain it. I was thinking about just breaking up with her and having time to myself anyways. We didn’t have a connection either. On that topic, I know we are on a good note for their sake currently but I like this. Could we maybe try to be friends again?”

“Sure. It doesn’t matter to me.”, Hanamaki smiled.

As the wind blew, the red-toned leaves fell into the lake. But that wasn’t the most priceless sight, it was Hanamaki’s first genuinely happy smile which was more priceless than anything.

**May 2025**

* * *

It had been four years since the two boys started talking again. Within those four years, they both changed.

Hanamaki was a lot happier. He wasn’t on autopilot anymore and his nightmares became less frequent. He still had some nightmares which he would wake up and forget how to breathe but now he had Issei. Issei who didn’t care about his 2am calls. His weight finally became healthy. That took the most work on all four of them. They still had to work on his codependency on coffee and memes but that can wait.

Matsukawa had also changed a hell of a lot. About a year into his reunited friendship, he realized he did have feelings for Hanamaki. Two years later, he came out as bisexual to Hanamaki which went over quite unexpectedly. Takahiro just shrugged and said something along the lines of ‘i knew already that’ when he told him. He also learned how difficult life actually was without Hanamaki, now that he has Hanamaki again.

Oikawa had pretty much fainted in relief while Iwaizumi congratulated them on figuring out their bullshit when they found out the two of them were friends again. It was a big relief on their part too. They didn’t have to worry about separating them anymore.

Currently, Matsukawa will soak up as much Hanamaki as he can get, just like right now. Hanamaki had his head in Matsukawa’s lap, talking to him about how no one sees color the same way. Matsukawa's hand was in Hanamaki’s hair slowly brushing through it. This is what he wanted in his life. He wants to come home to Takahiro everyday. 

“Hiro, date me.”

“Okay, wow, that’s some great convincing. How could I ever say no? Ooo can the first date be to that place with amazing creampuffs? If you say no, I’m divorcing you.”

“Fucking bet”

The two boys smiled as the sat upright to look eye to eye. As the leaned in, they both were breathless due to laughter. 

“I-Issei, ha how were we so-pfft-dumb in highschool and collge?”

“I don’t know but I am glad we are intellectuals now”

When they do end up kissing, they had to take frequent breaks due to laughter. They were happy. They had each other and that was enough. The only laughter that might have rivaled that was when they told Iwaizumi and Oikawa. Iwaizumi told them it was about time while Oikawa was a stuttering mess. This is what the two self-proclaimed meme addicts wanted and were missing for years. The void was filled.

**April 2028**

* * *

If you had told Hanamaki when he was 13 that he was going to walk down the aisle with the love of his life, he would have laughed and told you that was a good joke. 

If you told Matsukawa when he was 13 that he was gonna make his best friend his forever, he would have told you he wasn’t gay.

But here they are crying as they recite their vows. Smiling with the biggest smiles ever as they see their best friends happily crying for them. They both wonder how they got so lucky as the look at each other. One thing was for certain, neither one of them was straight. 

**The crimson rose was replanted and would grow again.**

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I embarrassed myself so Imma cry


End file.
